Miscellaney

Abbott and Costello: Mac?
May/09
Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Hu's On First?
May/09
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy
May/09
To go outside, and there perchance to stay Or to remain within: that is the question.

Unlikely Marriages
May/09
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

Strange Conversions
April/07
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

Not Raising Hogs
April/07
Dear Senator: My friend received $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

Things I've Learned From My Children
Nov/06
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-square-foot house 4 inches deep.

Australopithicus Spif-arino
Nov/06
Scott Williams digs things out of his backyard and sends them to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, and insisting that they're actual archaeological finds. Mr. Williams really exists and does this in his spare time! Here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institute.

On a Messy Room and the Limitations of Government
Oct/06
Andy Smith, a 7th grader in Irmo, S.C., wrote the President in 1984: Today my mother declared my bedroom a disaster area. I would like to request federal funds to hire a crew to clean up my room.

I Am My Own Grandpa
Oct/06
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

If Scientists Had Written the Nursery Rhymes
Oct/06
A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct.

Some Basic Mock German
Oct/06
Doctor=Chestergethumpenpulsentooker

Signs an Athlete is Using a Banned Substance
Oct/06
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.

Shakespearean References to Baseball
Oct/06
“I have no joy in this contract.” - Romeo and Juliet

Scientific Product Warning Labels
Oct/06
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Hunter's Diary
Oct/06
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.

How to Give Your Cat a Pill
Oct/06
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

George Birthington's Washday
Oct/06
In heretofore unseen fits of passion, normally self-restrained historians have been breaking into fistfights recently over the birthdate, not to mention the correct name, of the father of our country.

McDonnell Douglas Purchase Survey
Oct/06
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
Sept/06
The Horror Must Be Stopped!

Spoonerisms
March/05
Reverend W. A. Spooner (1844-1930) Dean and Warden of New College in Oxford, England, was reputed to have frequently made verbal slips where, by accidentally rearranging his words, he said something quite different from what he intended.

For Bumpers and Tee-Shirts
March/05
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?

From the School of Public Logic
March/05
Nothing is better than eternal happiness. A cheese sandwich is better than nothing. Therefore, a cheese sandwich must be better than eternal happiness.

Favorite Epitaphs
March/05
I told you I was sick.

Changing a Lightbulb by Astrological Sign
March/05
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Analogies That Don't Quite Cut the Mustard
March/05
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball would not.

Letter Home From Camp
May/04
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

Emo Phillips Quotes
May/04
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Five Dog Crossbreeds
May/04
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull: a dog that makes awful mistakes

Eight Observations About Dogs
May/04
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.

Childrens' Books That Didn't Make It
May/04
"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"

How to Know When You're Ready to Have Children
May/04
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Parental Job Description
May/04
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Changing a Lightbulb in Church
May/04
Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to bind the spirit of darkness in the room.

Deep Thoughts
May/04
To me, boxing is just like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

The Dangers of Bread
May/04
More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

Cow Politics
May/04
CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

College Entrance Exam for Football Players
May/04
Some colleges in the past have felt the need to relax their entrance requirements just a little bit, for the greater good of their football programs.

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
May/04
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

The Cartoon Laws of Physics
May/04
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Man vs. Institution
May/04
Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I tried to pay my plumber last month.

Think You've Had a Bad Day? No.3
Oct/06
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask.

Think You've Had a Bad Day? No.2
May/04
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a very rapid rate up the side of the building.

Think You've Had a Bad Day? No.1
May/04
While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them, and the paramedics started laughing so hard that one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

Baby Boomers: Then vs. Now
May/04
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. Now: Getting a new hip joint.

B.O.O.K
May/04
Introducing the new "Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge" device, trade named "BOOK"

Aircraft Inertial Guidance Systems
April/04
Brought to you by the Commercial Air Transportation Agency for Specific Traffic Regulations Over-sight of Peripheral Hyper-Integrated Electronic Systems - CATASTROPHIES

You Know It's Hot When . . .
April/04
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Abraham Lincoln's Humor
April/04
An author called at the White House and asked Lincoln to give a plug to his book. Lincoln thought hard and then wrote: “For the sort of people who like this book, it is the sort of book those people will like.”

Senior Moments
Jan/04
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
Feb/02
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Physics Theoretical
Feb/02
The field that really is abstruse, The field where all the screws come loose, The field that's famous for its spoofs, Is physics theoretical.

The Limitations of Money
Feb/02
So you see, money often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, And as your Friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A Diet You Will Like!
Feb/02
We should all be thin very soon if we rigorously adhere to this pizza, soda, and ice cream diet.

A Diet Prayer
Feb/02
Lord, My soul is ripped with riot incited by my wicked diet. "We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man! and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

The Problem With Resumés
Feb/02
In 1889, Remiss passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

It's Not the Thesis, But the Advisor
Feb/02
The moral of the story is: Your dissertation doesn't matter; all that matters is your thesis advisor.

Age Is a Funny Thing
Jan/02
That's the key. You get into your teens and now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

Driving in India
Sept/01
The following must always be given right-of-way, in descending order of importance: cows, elephants, trucks, buses, cars, camels, motorcycles, pigs, goats, bicycles, dogs, pedestrians.

Finding Danny
Sept/01
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Copyright Explained
Feb/02
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right.

Think Like a Lawyer
Feb/02
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

Phun With English

Eengleesh Has No Rime or Reeson
April/07
It mite seem redikulus, but sum peepol want to change the way we spel.

The Importance of Punctuation
Oct/06
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours? Gloria

How to Spell Potato
Sept/06
The right way to spell POTATO should then be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

Cryptic Adages
March/05
Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration = Where there is smoke, there is fire.

English is Weird
May/04
The present is a good time to present the present.

English is Tuff Stuff
Aug/01
I will teach you, by means of verse, sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

Nine Different "Ough's"
Aug/01
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all:

Fourteen "Hads"
Aug/01
14 "hads" correctly strung together in a sentence

Music

How to Cook a Conductor
April/07
First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Clean the Conductor as you would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body.

Music Student Bloopers
Sept/06
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

Musical Terms
Sept/06
Conductor: someone who espresses his illusions of grandeur by standing on a box and waving a little stick at people while they try to make music in spite of him

A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
Sept/06
Long after a passage is gone, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playnig at the time.

How to Sing the Blues
Sept/06
Do you have the right to sing the blues? Answer yes if: a. Your first name is a southern state, like Georgia b. You're blind c. You shot a man in Memphis d. You can't be satisfied

Golden Rules for Ensemble Playing
Sept/06
Everyone should play the same piece. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.

Orchestral Efficiency
Jan/02
All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the number of players in this section should be cut.

Page Turner's Program Notes
Jan/02
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia.

Bangkok Piano Recital Review
Dec/01
It was with a sigh of relief that the audience saw Mr. Kropp slowly rise from his stool and leave the stage. But Mr. Kropp reappeared a moment later with a red-handled fire ax which was hung back stage in case of fire.

Actual Signs and Bloopers

Actual Courtroom Quotations
May/04
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Actual College Admissions Essay
May/04
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, and I have performed open-heart surgery. But I have not yet gone to college.

Actual Statements Made by Flight Crews
April/04
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

Actual Things Put Into Resumés
April/04
Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers
April/04
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Actual Newspaper Headlines
April/04
War Dims Hope For Peace

Actual Newspaper Ads
April/04
Tattoos done while you wait

Actual Things People Said
April/04
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Actual Medical Records
April/04
The patient refused an autopsy.

Actual Consumer Product Warning Labels
April/04
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Actual Funny Signs in America
April/04
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Actual Funny Signs in England
April/04
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Actual Funny English Signs Abroad
April/04
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.

Actual Excuses for School Absence
Jan/02
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

From Kids

Kids' Letters to Santa
April/07
Dear Santa, This is the last letter you will ever get from me. Next year I’ll be seven and I won’t believe in you any more.

The Owl
Oct/06
I don’t know much about the owl so I am going to write about the bat. The cow is a mammal.

Kids' Thoughts on Love
May/04
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." (Jill, age 6)

Kids' Science Test Answers
May/04
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Kids' Letters to God
May/04
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Church Kids Say the Darndest Things
May/04
A Sunday School teacher asked: Who lived in the Garden of Eden? A child answered: The Adamses.

Kids' Quotes on Music
May/04
"I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say."

Kids' Proverbs
Jan/04
Better be safe than.....punch a 5th grader.

World History According to Kids' Bloopers
Feb/02
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

The Bible According to Kids
Jan/02
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Kids Speak to God
Jan/02
"Our Father who art in heaven, Hollywood be Thy name."

In the Office

Important Notice
Oct/06
This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

Halley's Comet
Oct/06
"By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years"

Administratium
Feb/02
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

Thinkers Anonymous
Feb/02
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

Dying to Work
Feb/02
Furthermore, it also appears that some employees are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which are not provided for under our employee benefit program.

So You Want the Day Off??
Feb/02
Lets take a look at what you are asking for......

Lost Dr. Seuss Poem
Jan/02
I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers, I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

Dilberts in Real Life
Sept/01
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

Computers

Computer Haiku
May/04
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
Feb/02
To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing
Feb/02
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

Yesterday
Dec/01
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday.

Proper Diskette Care
Sept/01
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. To back up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.

Holidays

After Thanksgiving Dinner
April/07
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn, I ate too much pudding and pie. I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin' I'm probably going to die.

Wrapping Christmas Presents with a Puppy
Oct/06
Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.

Christmas - Hope Yours Was Better
Oct/06
Tree tips over, popping lights Curtains catch, house ignites No one hears the reindeer cries Wedged in chimney - Santa dies

Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
Feb/05
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in the large fluffy bowl. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup.

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective
Dec/01
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer the same as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would burst into flames almost instantaneously.

The 12 Days of Christmas - Thank-you Notes
Dec/01
O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, Agnes

The Night Before Christmas (Academically Speaking)
Dec/01
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus.

The Night Before Christmas (Legally Speaking)
Dec/01
WHEREAS, on or about the night or evening prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the Domicile") a general lack of stirring or carousing by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
Dec/01
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice.

Company Christmas Party
Dec/01
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!

Kid-Fractured Carols
Dec/01
We three kings of porridge and tar...

Cryptic Carols
Dec/01
Adorn the Vestibule = Deck the Halls

The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven
Sept/01
The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air. It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.
Home