Humor

A Terrible Orchestra
Aug/09
We formed the Really Terrible Orchestra in Edinburgh. The name was carefully chosen: what it said was what you would get. Those who joined generally lived up to the name. Some, though, stood out for their musical weakness. The result was cacophony.

The Really Terrible Orchestra
Aug/09
Half-way through the second part of the Scottish Suite, Dorothy Leeming (double bass) pipes up to ask if we're at the four/four bar yet. As the whole piece is in three, we're puzzled until Neville-Towle realises she's raced ahead to the third movement.

How to Cook a Conductor
April/07
First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. . . . Be careful not to overcook or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham.

Music Student Bloopers
Sept/06
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

Musical Terms
Sept/06
refrain: means don’t do it; a refrain in music is the part you’d better not try to sing

A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
Sept/06
Long after a passage is gone, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playnig at the time.

How to Sing the Blues
Sept/06
If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.

Golden Rules for Ensemble Playing
Sept/06
Everyone should play the same piece. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners.

Orchestral Efficiency
Jan/02
All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unneeded duplication, and the number of players in this section should be cut.

Page Turner's Program Notes
Jan/02
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia.

Bangkok Piano Recital Review
Dec/01
It was with a sigh of relief that the audience saw Mr. Kropp slowly rise from his stool and leave the stage. But Mr. Kropp reappeared a moment later with a red-handled fire ax which was hung back stage in case of fire.

For the Mind

All In the Mind
Aug/09
To memorize, or not to memorize. That is the question.

Admit It, You're as Bored as I Am
May/09
Nothing thrills a classical music crowd more than a new piece of music that doesn't make them physically ill.

The Problem with Atonal Music
April/07
If you were to string together all the dissonant chords in a piece by Bach or Schubert or Tchaikovsky with no other chords between, the effect would loosen your fillings. But the dissonances in tonal music are never strung together that way. Is there a chef on the planet who suggests swallowing a tablespoon of salt for an appetizer and following it with a bowl of Tabasco for an entrée before washing it all down with a cup of vinegar?

The Inner Game of Music
April/07
It's about overcoming that distracting inner voice that tries to control and second-guess our actions as we make music. These diversions can be overcome by letting go of that inner voice, and focusing our attention on other, different aspects of the music. Just know your stuff, then relax and enjoy doing it.

Otto Klemperer - Behind Every Great Conductor
April/07
Gustav Mahler's daughter, Anna, once found herself chased by him around a dining table. Knowing that he had been close to both her parents, she breathlessly sought to preserve dignity and friendship. "Dr Klemperer," she gasped, "in Bach's B-minor mass, rehearsal figure 48, is that top note F or F-sharp?" Klemperer stopped as if stunned and delivered a magisterial analysis of the work. Music was the only interest that could override his furious compulsions.

Music and the Brain
April/07
Musicians respond to music differerently from non-musicians; they also exhibit hyper-development of certain areas in their brains.

Inauthentic Beethoven, but Authentically So
April/07
Today we have moved toward a musical ethic that considers the printed text sacred. But you have only to trace the performance history of Beethoven's symphonies to find all sorts of subtle as well as drastic changes. Conductors like Richard Wagner, Richard Strauss, Wilhelm Furtwängler, George Szell and Leonard Bernstein, to name a few, have all contributed to the reorchestration of many works by old masters.

How Do Composers Live Their Lives?
April/07
It is hard to square Tchaikovsky's bold, lush music with the fact that he was so nervous when he conducted that he felt he had to hold his chin with one hand to stop his head from falling off. And how could a character like Schubert, wallowing in drink and loose women, contracting syphilis and dying at 31, have written anything as sweet as his Trout Quintet?

Good Seats Still Available for 639-Year Avant-Garde Concert
April/07
The concert began Sept. 5, 2001. It started with a silence, and the only sound for a first 1-1/2 years was air. The first notes were played in February 2003. The two new notes rang out Monday.

An Organ Recital for the Very, Very Patient
April/07
You have about six more centuries to hear developments in the work being performed, by John Cage called "As Slow as Possible." The organ's bellows began their whoosh but nothing was heard because the piece begins with a rest — of 20 months.There are eight movements. Each movement lasts roughly 71 years

Defending Classical Music
April/07
Classical music offers not merely the basic pleasures of melody, harmony and rhythm, but the intense emotional and intellectual engagement that pop music and pop culture reject. We are physical beings, but we exceed the physical in our capacity for thought, feeling and imagination which transcends our bodily existence.

The Day Music Went Mad
April/07
Of all the turning points in the history of music, one is instantly audible to the innocent ear. In that instant, the harmonic laws that governed European music for 500 years are declared null and void. It is, I discovered, never easy to persuade academics of the blindingly obvious. But, now the proof has arrived - and it comes in the form of one of the most revealing documents ever to be left by a major composer.

Is 12-Tone Music a Hoax?
Feb/05
"This calls into question the entire Second Viennese School of music," announced minimalist composer John Adams from his home in the Adirondack Mountains. "Ever since I first encountered compositions by Arnold Schonberg I wondered what the hell anyone ever heard in it. Now I know."

Classical vs. Popular Music
Feb/02
Classical and popular music, both part of the cultural frame of reference for most Americans and Europeans, share together many aspects of musical language. Yet there are some prominent differences as well. Coming to classical music from popular music is less of a leap than you might think.

For the Soul

What Music Is All About
Oct/01
At Julliard, kids are hypercritical of each other and very competitive. The teachers expect, and in most cases get, technical perfection. But this wasn't about that. I've never seen a more appreciative audience, and I've never understood so fully what it means to communicate music to other people.

Making Music With What You Have Left
Oct/01
He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said, not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone, "You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

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