Humor Not Humor


11. The Really Terrible Orchestra: Why?
The name said what you would get.
10. The Really Terrible Orchestra: Is it real, and are they??
Dorothy Leeming asks if we're at the 4/4 bar yet. We're puzzled until we realise she's raced ahead to the third movement.
9. How to Cook a Conductor
Clean your conductor as you would a squid. Be careful not to overcook, or your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham.
8. Music Student Bloopers
Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
7. Musical Terms
Conductor: someone who espresses his illusions of grandeur by standing on a box and waving a little stick at people.
6. A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
Ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C#, or were not playing at the time.
5. How to Sing the Blues
You're okay if your first name is a southern state like Georgia, you shot a man in Memphis, and you can't be satisfied.
4. Golden Rules for Ensemble Playing
Everyone should be playing the same piece.
3. Orchestral Efficiency
All 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seems an unnecessary duplication of work.
2. Page Turner's Program Notes
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia.
1. Bangkok Piano Recital Review
Mr. Kropp slowly left the stage. But he reappeared a moment later with a red-handled fire ax.

Not Humor
17. The Myth of the Maestro
As with any dictator, you do not have to be a musician to wonder if such a nebulous yet omnipotent job description might be dangerous.
16. A Little Music With Exercise Boosts Brain Power
Exercise improves people's cognitive performance, and listening to music enhances brain power. We wanted to put the two results together.
15. Don't Embellish the National Anthem
It seems that everyone has tried to use the song as a grandstand for vocal gymnastics.
14. Wisdom for Young Conductors
People don't like being told what to do.
13. All In the Mind
To memorize, or not to memorize. That is the question.
12. Admit It, You're as Bored as I Am
Nothing thrills a classical music crowd more than a new piece of music that doesn't make them physically ill.
11. The Problem with Atonal Music
Who would take a tablespoon of salt and a bowl of Tabasco before washing it all down with a cup of vinegar?
10. The Inner Game of Music
It's about overcoming that distracting inner voice that tries to control and second-guess our actions as we make music.
9. Otto Klemperer - Behind Every Great Conductor
Gustav Mahler's daughter, Anna, once found herself chased by him around a dining table. "Dr Klemperer," she gasped, . . .
8. Music and the Brain
Musicians hear music differerently from non-musicians, exhibiting hyper-development of certain areas in their brains.
7. Inauthentic Beethoven, but Authentically So
Great conductors have reorchestrated many works by old masters.
6. How Do Composers Live Their Lives?
. . . was so nervous conducting that he felt he had to hold his chin with one hand to stop his head from falling off.
5. Good Seats Still Available for 639-Year Avant-Garde Concert
It began in September 2001 with silence. The first notes were played in February 2003. Two new notes rang out last Monday.
4. An Organ Recital for the Very, Very Patient
The work, by John Cage called "As Slow as Possible," has eight movements. Each movement lasts roughly 71 years
3. The Day Music Went Mad
In that instant, the harmonic laws that governed European music for 500 years were declared null and void.
2. Classical vs. Popular Music
If you've encountered a piece of classical music that you loved, then you know more than you think you do.
1. What Music Is All About
At Julliard, kids are hypercritical of each other, and expected technical perfection. But this wasn't about that.