20. Q: What's the first thing a musician says at work?
A: Would you like fries with that?
19. Two people were walking down the street.
One was a musician and the other didn't have any money either.
18. Saint Peter is checking ID's.
He asks a man, "What did you do on earth"?
The man says, "I was a doctor."
Saint Peter says, "Step right through these pearly gates. Next! What did you do on earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Step right through these pearly gates. Next! What did you do on earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen . . ."
17. A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player had missed several rehearsals except for one very faithful oboe player.
Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded, "It's the least I could do since I won't be at the performance."
16. A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was as wary of the musicians as they were of him.
As he left the rehearsal hall, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong."
The angry conductor turned around and said, "All right! Who did that?"
15. Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack
14. Q: What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
A: About 2 pounds, including the urn
13. String players' motto:
"It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
12. Q: Why do violinists place a cloth between their chin and the instrument?
A: Because violins don't have spit valves.
11. Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
A: It saves so much time
10. Q: What's the latest crime-wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by viola recitals
9. Q: What is the main requirement at the International Viola Competition?
A: Hold the viola from memory
8. A violist in an orchestra was fuming at the oboist sitting directly behind him.
The conductor asked, "What are you so upset about?"
The violist replied, "The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it' all out of tune!"
The conductor said, "Don't you think you're over-reacting?"
The violist replied, "I'm not overreacting. He won't tell me which one!"
7. A viola player decides he's had enough of playing the viola - unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop and says, "I want to buy a violin."
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment and says, "You must be a viola player."
The viola player is astonished, and says, Well yes, I am. But how did you know?"
"Because this is a fish-and-chip shop."
6. An orchestra begins a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor becomes sick and cannot conduct. The orchestra has to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asks all the members of the orchestra if they can take over. The only one willing is one of the violists. He conducts the entire tour to rave reviews and standing ovations in every city.
At the first rehearsal after the tour, the conductor is recovered so the violist takes his old seat in the viola section. His stand partner looks at him and says, "Where have you been for the last two weeks?"
5. A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of viola players. They called down to ground control with the list of their demands and threatened that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.
4. Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either
3. Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the trombone but doesn't.
2. Q: What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?
1. The organ is an instrument of worship,
for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God,
and in its ending we know the Grace of God
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