Actual Funny Signs in America

In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
"Now serving live lobsters"

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife.
Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a dry cleaner's emporium:
"Drop your pants here."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see you smoking,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

In a cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

On the side of a garbage truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

In a beauty shop:
"Dye now!"

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open seven days a week - and weekends"

On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot"

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
"Parking for birds only"

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave
please see that the perpetual light is extinguished"

In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
"Ears pierced while you wait"

At a number of US military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel"

On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs"

In a library:
"Blotter paper will no longer be available
until the public stops taking it away."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:
"Are you an adult that cannot read?
If so, we can help."

A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store
located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal:
"Terminal Drugs"

From the safety information card
in America West Airline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row
and can not read this card,
please tell a crew member."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers
the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager."

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will not sell gasoline
to anyone in a glass container."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed"

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks"

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $100.
They won't last an hour!"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated
when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission"

[source unknown]
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